you came!

The bed was too soft. The cheap foam felt rough against my skin. I can still feel the dry rough texture of that cheap foam bed. The bed sheets felt equally dirty. As I pulled it closer to my face i could smell the sweat. It wasn’t off but definitely didnt smell any better. I opened my eyes. But it was as dark as night. I couldn’t say what time it was. The blinds on my studio were on. The blinds in the room was a metal shutter like those used to lock shops and restaurants from the outside. Pale cream in colour. I could see it was morning as the light entered from below my door a few feet from the bed. A thin band of bright sunshine. I lay there thinking why should i get up. I lay there in the early winter cold. The cheap foam and and my thin bed cover gave me chills. I picked up my Ipod touch to see what time it is. Or rather what day it is. The marijuana that i smoked made me lose track of days. 11.38 Saturday morning in october. That what it said. Sunday! A good day. No work today. I sat up straight on my bed. What should I do today. Maybe I will wash all my clothes. Maybe I will Clean the studio. Maybe I will clean all the dishes. The tiny holes in the shutter gleamed in the of a tiny ray of light. I held my hand out to catch one. I felt the warmth of the sun. In the darkness I stumbled around to find the lever to open the blinds. I kept slapping my hands against the wall. The rough yet smooth wall felt cold. I felt a shiver run down my spine. Right in the corner where the window ended and the wall began i found the lever. I turned it vigorously the blind cracked first and then with a loud screech it gave way to the morning sunlight.

Blinding light quickly filled my dirty apartment. My took a while to adjust to the light. But within seconds I saw the day. It was beautiful. The sun shone bright and yet it was not hot. The wind blew hard. The chill quickly hit my face. My skin tingled. I stood up and took a long yawn and stretched my body. Still clueless I lost all the will to do anything. The washing or the cleaning. I wandered aimlessly for a while and then I hit upon an idea. I Will clean my bicycle. I quickly started to look for my morning cigarettes. There in the corner it lay. I quickly rolled one. The tobbacco was old and dry. It became powdery the moment I tried to roll it. My hands were so dry that I could not grip the paper to roll it. I wet my hands a little with my breath. A little more traction. I ran to my Bicycle and took it out. Turned it upside down and started to clean the spokes.

A while went by then I suddenly heard someone in the adjascent buiding on the second floor drying some clothes. A towel came first. I couldn’t see who it was. I watched from the corner of my eye. Then a shiny green quilt came. There she was. My heart stopped. I didnt know what to do. I was shy. I wanted to shout out to her. But mouth dried up. I gave up as quickly as the thought came into my head. I kept quiet. And then I heard a voice. “is that your bicycle” I looked up and it was her. A blue Tshirt and a short jeans skirt. I said “yes” She asked What you doing?” I said “Oh nothing just wasting time” I asked “Did you have any lunch” she said “yeah something” I said “ok” ” I am making *&*^& food you are can come if you want” she said “no its ok” I said “Its ok, please come, I dont make good food, Its not many times that you get to eat Bad %%&^*an food” she smiled ( and I almost died) she said ok..

I need to make food quickly. she is coming. She is coming… She is really coming. Is this true. Is this really happening.

Where do you live?

The day ended. And as I followed my earlier form. I was walking back to my apartment. And suddenly I heard a small voice from the back. My heart was pounding in my chest. I knew it was her. It was her voice. With a million things in my heart I turned around. What did she want from me. What could it be.
“Do you have a light??”

” yeah”

And then we stepped on the balcony with R. We stood there talking and smoking. That is the first time I had a real conversation with her. Ofcourse R was right there too. But I didn’t matter. We spoke about religion!

she asked me about my country. And what religion we following there. I said they follow a certain religion I do it too. But it’s OK as there are not fanatics like Muslims.

This religion is quite peace loving. She again asked do you believe in God? That is the teal question. I said I don’t know with all honesty.

Well as quickly the conversation started the conversation ended. R wanted to go home. She would have to leave to. As in why would she stand there and talk to me. An idiot like me.

Just before she left I asked her. What religion do you follow?

with an almost delightful gleam she replied

“I am a Christian! ”

I started to walk home and realized she was close behind me. After a couple of minutes I turned around and asked here where do you live.
She says in the student apartments.

And suddenly I look at her and say me too..

I am happy. Very happy. I say goodnight and reach home.

And this whole night I only sit there thinking.

Why am I happy if she lives here. How does that change the realities.

Well all that now matters is tomorrow morning. And tomorrow..

And there I sat watching the moon. Day dreaming. Thinking what if things were different. What if was rich. Or what if I had money, just enough to be happy.

And then suddenly I saw the moon. The most beautiful sight ever. I just could not take my eyes of it. It was unusually more beautiful. And I thus wished if there was
Any respite for me or if there was ever going to be any love in my life.. quickly I turned to my Facebook page. Like a man obsessed by a ghost I opened her Facebook page. I added her as friend.

Shut my computer and went of to sleep.

There she is

After a wait which nearly lasted a million years.. it was time. The lunch was over. I got back to office early. And there I was waiting again.

And then down the corridor outside the door i heard laughter. I can recognize that laughter. I know it is she. I know it. The glee in my heart was unbelievable. But I struck myself down and calmed my myself. I should not look at her as soon as she enters the door. I should not. What will she think of me. Or rather I shouldn’t. Its not good. I dont know how i did it but i just put my head down. The voices from down the corridor kept getting louder and louder until i could hear them from just behind the door.
The door cracked open. I dare not look. They entered. I dont who came in first for i was not looking. Then after a few seconds which seemed to last for a millenium. I turned my head to look.
She was the last one to enter. her hair was a mess. And she looked ill. I said hey. But I was only talking her. She sat on the chair beside. I asked her if was she was feeling ok? She spoke to me.. For the first time just to me. She said I am ok.. and just as i was about to talk to her. The boss walks in. Silence!!

I hate you boss.. Why cant you just have given a few more moments.

… to be continued…..

Cup of Coffee

Its Coffee break. I am still wondering what happened. I pick up my coffee from the vending machine and turn around to see R is gone. Where is that idiot. I walk around the school. My demeanor shows that i am enjoying my cup of coffee. But in reality i am searching for him.

There he is… under the tree smoking.. I walk to him and casually start chatting..

Me – so hows work (Where is she?)
R – Oh its ok.. Its blah blah blah..
Me – Great Great. What about next year. where do you want to work.. (where is she??)
R – More blah blah blah… Here and There..
Me – This vending machine coffee sucks. There should have been a Starbucks nearby (I dont have the money for starbucks.. Where is she???)
R – No the coffee is ok. I love Starbucks..
Me – FINALLY… Oh yeah what happened to She.. Where is she??????
R – Oh she slept late last night and is not feeling well though..
R – She said she will come in the afternoon.
Me – ok.. blah blah (ok thank god. She is coming.. Wait a minute… Slept late last night.. maybe she was partying… Maybe she has a boyfriend… Its ok… They always do have a boyfriend..) (Hope she is ok…)

Break is over.. back to office. Now every minute is a killer.. 3 more hours. and then i will see her. but after this week is over then what???

I tell myself.. just enjoy this moment…, you cant live in the future.. you will never be her friend. These precious few moments.. Just enjoy it..

Now i am waiting for her..

The Next Day

The next day the sun dawned. I woke up early. Dont ask me why!! I got ready for work quick. I was the first one to reach the office. I waited there. Every minute seemed to be longer than eternity. It was beautiful Just sitting there and waiting. I knew i was waiting for her. But i denied everything to myself. I knew all I wanted to was to see her. I just wanted see her face.. I just wanted see her smile.

First person to walk in was my boss. Stupid Bugger. Then walks in the boy lets call him R. R smiles and says good morning. I respond. I dont smile a lot. I am not expecting. Dont bother me. I am just waiting for her. He sits down. Adjusts his scarf. I realize he has this peculiar habit of sniffing. He sniff like a cat making tiny voices. And every time he sniffs his face frowns making him uglier than usual.

Then walks in the over enthusiastic Chinese Lady lets call her c. She starts talking loudly with R. They talk about things which i am least interested in. The Clock strikes 9.30. I am waiting you.. Where are you?? You are late.. My heart says. Naah its not late. She will walk in any moment now. I calm myself. Every second every minute i am waiting. I am waiting like i have never waited before for anybody.

Its 9.45, My boss takes notice and asks me. Where is she?? I say I dont know.. I shrug.. I am bothered than you. I am waiting for her too. I have been waiting for her all my life. I dont care if i never see her again. I dont care if she never knows who I am. Just give me one sec. I just wanna see just one more time…

My boss looks at me and says find out where she is. I look at R and tell him to call her. They seem like friends!!! They are in the same Class. So he calls her. I am just hoping she comes. This training is not compulsory. So if you dont wish to go then you can choose not to go.

He calls her. All the time i am hoping she has not quit. I am looking at his face to understand what they are talking about. The phone is only ringing. His is not talking. Maybe she quit. maybe she wont come back. I am happy atleast i got to see her once… Thank you life. Its good Enough. And suddenly he starts talking. I breathe again!!

And finish talking goes to boss and tells him something… R say it loudly.. What did she say. What did she say??????

And i am sitting there. I am wondering should I ask him.. Maybe he will think I am a weirdo or something. Finally at about 10.30 on our coffee break I ask him…

He says…………………………………………


My morose life continued… Everyday just felt like another long day.. And weekends were really bad. In the midst of all this I was told that 3 trainees will come to my department to get a special one week training. I was happy to hear that. At least there will be someone I can talk to.

But I could have never guessed how that one week would change the rest of life.

The weekend came and went away. And it was a bright Monday morning.. I made my hair. Looked my best.. The 3 trainees were from a different batch.

As I reached office I saw that I was the first one in. So I sat down and followed my schedule. In about couple there was a knock on the door. And then entered the 3 trainees. A young man first. He looked peachy. Short and thin. His face was unusually wrinkled for his age. He had a long nose and somewhat bland skin tone. I couldn’t figure out which country he was from. On first sight he looked daring ugly and very petit. He was wearing black scarf around his. As those days were still a little cold in the south of France.

Then entered a lady. Yellow skin, definitely Chinese I thought to myself. Short and stout. She had a short and thick neck. Her hair was unusually dirty. Like it had not been combed well enough. She had an unusual smile. Like a person trying to be enthusiastic. It almost looked fake. She walked in fast. She quickly said good morning. She said yes to everything too fast, without thinking about it. Overtly eager to do things. Very very unusual.

Then entered SHE. My eyes shred away as I looked at her. Tall, thin and extremely beautiful. Her skin glowed. Her hair black hair soft as silk. Her smile glowed with warmth. It warmed me up almost instantly. Her face shone in the morning light as she entered the office. Chewing gum. She quaintly sat down. I could not believe what I saw. She was the most beautiful person I had ever seen in my life. I was scared to look at her.

For a moment I thought what if she was my girlfriend. And then suddenly my whole body jerked. It was like every cell in my body stated loudly. Are you crazy. Look at her. She is the embodiment of beauty. This woman, this beautiful flower, slender and tenacious lady is way out of your league. You short piece of shit, you can never dream of being with a person like her. You don’t deserve her. You were born in poverty, you look like the embodiment of ugliness.. You are short, dorky, a weed smoking junky.. FORGET ABOUT IT..

And right then i gave up. I gazed back on my computer. Every part of my body knew there was no way i could ever be with her. I looked at my computer all day. Spoke very less. And didnt really care a damn. Whats the point of fighting a fight you are never going to win??
In the evening when work was done. I walked out of the office said good bye to all. And started walking fast back home. Then i realized I could hear her laughter with her friends but walking close behind me. My heart said to me look back once. look at the beautiful face once again..

But my alter ego persisted. I resented my alter ego. But i Knew i would never even be friends with her. Now I must say. Something inside did attract me towards her. It was not her beauty alone. But something about her pulled me. Pushed me. Twisted and turned inside. I had this very weird feeling. I cant explain it. But I felt that i have known her all my life.

Ahahahaa sounds funny right. One day and my heart is singing. ok back to my walk. I can hear somebody walking behind me. I dont know who it is.

I dont bother to look back. I reach my apartment. Ok the apartment is actually a college building with many students living in it. We never know who lives where.

I reached home!! slapped myself for thinking about her. Cooked some food and smoked a little weed and slept off!!!

A prelude to before you happened

I think Parkinson’s runs in my family… As my grand parents got old.. They lost their memory.. So there is a small part of me that believes that it will happen to me too.

Thus I decided to write this chapter of my life before

    I lose my memory
    Before time slowly erodes the beauty and the magic of it.

So the story begins after I entered university for my masters degree. The first year was over. My internship had just began.. It was good life. I lived on campus and life was ok.. I did not have girlfriend. I wanted one.. But I knew I couldn’t afford one at that point of time. My budgets were really tight. I worked 2 jobs.. So could pay off my next semester fees.

My internship was a 9 to 6 job with Saturday and Sundays off. My second job was as a waiter in a restaurant ( far away) on weekends. So basically I chilled on weekdays. Kept to myself… Smoked a lot of weed… Hahahhahhahaha.. Well I was young and bored..

For a while this worked.. I smoked weed… Sat outside.. Watched the moon… On weekends I cycled almost 20 Kim’s to the restaurant.. Work was very demanding…

Then life got sour.. Everything became boring.. Weed no longer gave me a high… The moon and the night sky no longer interesting… It was the same routine…

Then something really bad happened.. One night on the streets while on my way back I was beaten up by a group of Arabs. 8 people. They wanted money and I had none… I got 3 stitches on the back of my head.. And a lot of bruises.. Cycling was impossible… So I walked… To the restaurant on weekends.. Life became so fucking boring..

I had no friends then… I am a social person but the school was empty between semesters… So no one to talk to..

Slowly my apartment became a mess. I stopped washing the dishes.. I put the mattress on the floor.. I smoked and threw the buds here and there..

Then came the days when I started to talk to myself. I would slap myself just to remind myself that I am alive… I wanted to travel.. But I had no money.. I wanted to make friends.. But there was no one.. To meet new people I would have to go out.. And for that you need money..

I had lost all hope.. I just survived.. For the sake of it…

And then it happened…

So she left…

She is has been wife’s friend for many years now. She has been great friend.. So it was very obvious that we would call her when we started our business. I still remember the day she came and I saw her for the first time. A sweet young girl. Bright, funny, intelligent and very beautiful. She is also very emotional.

Her personality was a mystery to me for a long time. I mean I understand people fast but this time coupled with language difficulties she became a mystery. When we started the business last year we had an old house completely fucked up.. From there we started… Every brick and stone was put by us together..

I remember many many days we sat together waiting for the furniture to arrive… Or the days when we sat all day on site in the sun… So many nice moments…

After we started the hotel.. We used to go out for marketing calls… That’s when I came to know the person that she was… A very emotional person who puts too much pressure in herself..

But when she finally said she will leave.. I was happy… And very sad.. I will miss her.. But at the same I know she will be more happy..

She was all alone.. Every time I looked into her eyes I knew she craved to be with someone…

I was in tears… I am very sad.. I will miss u my dearest friend.. I hope you find love and happiness


For a long time in my life I was poor…. Well not so poor that I didn’t have food to eat or to afford an education but poor enough to just have the bare basics of life. A 30 Sqm. House… 3 times food… Well some would say that’s a lot to have… But with all the media blasting luxuries of life.. Telling us how we should live our lives…

The moment I wrote the last line… A war has begun in my brain.. So for the next few lines I am two people.. Me and my head..

Me – media now tells us how we should live our lives.. It tells us one must have luxuries to truly enjoy life.. See the world.. Have a car.. Drink good wine.. Wear good clothes.. Own a Ferrari.. Have a large apartment in a high rise…

My head – so what you are saying is that is that all of luxuries are a hogwash.. If Living poor is better.. Should we Go back to being hunter gatherers or farmers.. Never see the world.. Do nothing.. Just earn your daily bread… Then why do we evolve??? If life always remained in a state of inertia.. We would all be bacteria.. Or just amino acids.. It’s all related.. Our actions mimic nature.. We strive to be better and have better is the living proof of Darwinism..

Me – but this very conflict is because you have been brain washed (hehehehehe) to believe that way.. That material things are necessary to be happy.. You are nothing but reflection of all that is evil..

My head – what do you want us to do.. Live like farmers?? Or start living in the jungle like Tarzan?? Will that make you happy?? I want it all ….

Well there is no end to this conflict.

Last night was great.. Made beautiful love to wife.. But I just fell into deep sleep.. She kept telling me she is not sleepy.. Ah but me I just drifted to sleep..

Woke up to a fucking weird dream.. I saw my wife stuck in a toilet and covered in shit! Hahahhahhahahah yeah.. Super weird… A friend of mine.. Told me long time ago. That when you shit in your dream it means money is gonna come… Hahahhahhahahah. If that we’re true then I am in for a lot of money…

The day was super boring.. Meetings.. Got bored.. Went out for a drive.. In my super car..well I do enjoy the benefits of being rich… My Italian horses have a life of their own.. Got back.. Sipped on a coffee..

How I wish I could just go to Fiji!!!!!!

I am consumerism…. I am a cynical bastard.. I am everything that is evil… I am humanity in the year 2013…

But why do I feel so guilty about being like this.. Being in this state of mind really is bothering and confusing..

I am lost again…

My head and me

I started this blog not speak about who the world sees when they look at me. But the real me. I dont wish to put my name on this blog. I dont wish to share this on facebook. I dont wish to tweet this blog. This blog is about the real me. This blog is about the things that i can never ever speak about outside the cages of my skull. This blog is about my deepest darkest thoughts. I don’t want my family, friends or anyone who knows me to ever read this and even if they i do, i know they will never know it was me. For their perception will be completely different to the person who writes this blog.

With this thought in my head i got back from my long walk. It was a cold evening. I could feel the cold cutting through my shoes.

walked a long way gazing at the sky…. Wondering why I am who I am… And will I ever be free.. Would being all alone be better. I have beautiful loving wife. I have perfect life now.. I have seen extreme poverty and now live really well off… Then what’s the problem??? The problem is me.. The man within me..